I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
