I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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