I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I need water and some morals
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
