She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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