Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
