I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
