My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
