and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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