dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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