Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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