My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
