census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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