she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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