Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
