Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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