Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
