"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
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