I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
