At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
