So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
