I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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