You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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