im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
