the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
