What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
