So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
