Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
