He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
