After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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