Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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