saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
