Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Sober January is a disaster.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
