Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
