her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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