If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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