Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
