I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
