if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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