I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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