I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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