just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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