Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
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