just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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