you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
