just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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