I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
