I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
