i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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