stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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