i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
