Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
