Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
