remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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