I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
