If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
